


Step-Mom chronicles

by JadedSoul



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Innuendo, doctor mechanic, your mom jokes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-03-23 14:37:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3771976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadedSoul/pseuds/JadedSoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically just my collection of Raven mercilessly picking on Clarke with "I'm doing your mom jokes"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So it Begins

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing but the words  
> everything was first posted on tumblr so far by my @archaeomedic

**Raven** : Morning Kiddo

 **Clarke** : ugh, damnit Raven it's too early for this crap

 **Raven** : Well look who's got their grumpy pants on today

 **Clarke** : Go Away

 **Raven** : Sure, I was just taking a break anyway but I've been gone awhile

 **Clarke** : .......

 **Raven** : She's probably wondering where I went

 **Clarke** : No

 **Raven** : time to get back

 **Clarke** : Don't

 **Raven** : to doing

 **Clarke** : Please Stop

 **Raven** : your mom

 **Clarke** : ........

 **Raven** : I'm doing your mom Clarke

 **Clarke** : I hate you


	2. The one where Abby and Raven pull out the dad jokes

**Clarke:** Mom could you take a look at my arm. I fell into a patch of something and now there's this weird rash all over it. Might need a sling to..

**Abby:** Sure honey sit down and let me take a look

**Raven:** Damn Clarke that looks nasty, and broken. You and Lexa having some more "grounder skills practice" sessions?

**Clarke:** Shut it Raven. Why is your mind always in the gutter? No we were out scouting and something spooked my horse

**Abby:** Tough break sweetie, hope we don't have to amputate

**Raven:** Hey now lets not make any rash decisions

**Clarke:** *glares* seriously you two, mom what has she done to you?

**Abby:** I don't know what you're talking about Clarke

**Raven** : Yeah man we are just being awesome

**Clarke** : I'm in hell

**Abby and Raven** : *no look high five*


	3. Long distance burn

**Raven** : Hey Clarke, where are you rushing off to?

**Clarke** : No, no more of this shit Raven. I can't take anymore of your mom jokes today.

**Raven** : Relax princess I was just bringing you some supplies.

**Clarke** : Thanks. I'm late for a meeting with the grounders.

**Raven** : You mean you're late for a "meeting" with commander heart eyes, commander "I kill everyone but clarke,' commander daggers are my foreplay, commander-

**Clarke** : *sighs* fuck off Raven are you finished?

**Raven** : Funny that you should say that, I just heard something quite similar.

**Clarke** : No, don't you dare, I swear I will send Lexa after you.

**Raven** : ok ok, look she's hot, she's a badass I get it, I'd be rushing off too. I even packed you something to eat, it's in a pack in the supply box.

**Clarke** : Thanks, I guess, I'm off.

**Raven** : Well what kinda of parent would I be if I didn't make sure you were eating actual food

**Clarke** : ...Really, really, Raven

**Raven** : Fine kiddo, I'm going to get back to-

**Clarke** : I told you no

**Raven** : doing-

**Clarke** : why are you like this?

**Raven** : My JOB Clarke, I was going to say my job. Geez chill princess, I'd have thought with all that time you're spending with Lexa you would be much more relaxed.

**Clarke** : I'm leaving now, later.

**Raven** : *calling after clarke* Don't forget your gun sweetie and play nice with the other kids, oh and I left you a little surprise in your food pack.

**Clarke** : *flips Raven off as she walks away*

**Clarke** : hours later finds a note in the food pack

**Clarke** : *reading* _You unwrapped that pack like I unwrapped your mom last night - Raven out_

**Clarke** : ........

**Clarke** : I'm going to kill her


	4. Clarke tries to gain the upper hand and fails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sequel to Long Distance Burn

**Clarke** : REYES!!!!!

**Raven:** sup clarke

**Clarke** : WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM? _Seriously_ , why do you feel the need to constantly torment me?

**Raven** : Whoa slow your roll princess. Which thing are you yelling at me for?

**Clarke:** That damn note about unwrapping my mother that you fucking left in with the supplies

**Raven** : ahhh, haha yeah that was a good one *wipes fake tear of laughter from her eye*

**Clarke** : Fuck you, what if someone else had found it?

**Raven** : well FIRST, that's why I put it in, ya know, _your_ food pack. Which I hope you ate by the way. Because for a world with no take out you sure do eat out a lot and as a concerned parent I just want the best for you-

**Clarke** : I will end you

**Raven** : and SECOND, that's why I _told you_ I left you a surprise. So you would know to be the one to open the pack. Cause I _care_ Clarke.

**Clarke** : I am so sick of your shit Raven

**Raven** : Besides kiddo, it’s not like the whole ark doesn’t know. The grounders would probably miss the innuendo unless they asked Octavia or you and _she_ would be laughing to hard to explain

**Clarke** : Well you're in luck then cause I know one grounder who wants to have a little chat with you

**Raven** : *laughs* you mean commander "I'm a raccoon and Clarke is like a precious shiny metal." What does she want?

**Clarke** : I may have explained the note and the context to her-

**Raven** : so she wants pointers

**Clarke** : -aaand she wants to question you

**Raven** : Cause she's soooo scary *sighs* Fine, can I at least finish my work first?

**Clarke** : Whatever. What are you working on?

**Raven** : So _glad_ that you asked, your beautiful mother asked me to look into an irrigation system. So _,_ I'm tinkering with a screw pump and calculating the amount of lubrication required for increased friction-

**Clarke** : Wow that actually sounds gre-

**Raven** : -for your mom

**Clarke** : GOD DAMNIT RAVEN, I will strangle you in your sleep

**Raven** : Not with your mom sleeping next to me kid, wouldn't want you walking in on us working on our riding technique now would you

**Clarke** : You are the worst fake parent ever

**Raven** : _Yasss_ , Raven for the win and I get to sleep with your mom, boom.


	5. Raven tries to have the "dad" talk with Lexa

**Raven** : So Lexa. What are your intentions with my daughter Clarke here?

**Clarke** : fml

**Octavia** : _Dude you can't just ask that shit_

**Lexa** : Clarke I thought your people's healer was your mother

**Clarke** : She is...it's...it's just complicated

**Raven** : Nothing complicated about doing your mom Clarke, not even when she's feeling adventurous

**Octavia** : *trying very hard not to laugh* Raven omg no

**Lexa** : ah, so she is coupled with your mother, impressive

**Clarke** : ew no Lexa

**Lexa** : Then they are not together?

**Raven** : In so many ways, so many places

**Clarke** : .........

**Octavia** : Clarke's even walked in on some of their together time

**Raven** : There was this one time, we went with a "did someone call for a mechanic" roleplay an-

**Octavia** : Oh, you mean that time you two-

**Raven** : switched roles so that-

**Octavia** : and _someone_ left her walkie on-

**Raven** : well a little exhibitionism never hurt

**Octavia** : except it was the reason Clarke went looking in the first place, cause she thought something was wrong

**Clarke** : ENOUGH, you two back to camp, you are both incorrigible. Raven I swear one more word and I will find a way to punish you

**Raven** : your mom really knows how to punish me

**Clarke** : Get. Out.

**Octavia** : *laughing* okay, Raven that's our cue

**Raven** : Aww, but Clarke, I didn't get to have the dad conversation with your hot girlfriend

**Clarke** : OUT. I will deal with you later

**Raven** : *calling back over her shoulder* Ha, that's what she said

**Lexa** : Your people are strange Clarke.

**Clarke** : Yeah sorry about that Lexa, I will handle them later

**Lexa** : Nothing worth troubling your mind over.

**Clarke** : I just-

**Lexa** : Now about this thing called roleplay

Clarke: ..............


	6. Raven strikes again

**Raven** : Yo Clarke, wake up and get your sorry ass to the gate

 **Clarke** : *throws pillow* Fuck off

 **Raven** : You won't be the one I get off. Now up.

 **Clarke** : uuuugh why?

 **Raven** : Some trouble or other with the grounders

 **Clarke** : Lexa can handle it

 **Raven** : Yeah man she's the one at the gate and looks super pissed

 **Clarke** : Alright, alright, untwist your panties, I'm going, come on.

 **Raven** : So did you two have a fight

 **Clarke** : What? No.

 **Raven** : Disagree over how many people you were going to kill this week

 **Clarke** : Low blow and no.

 **Raven** : Not able to keep up in bed?

 **Clarke** : ...........

 **Raven** : *smirking* Cause I mean, she looks like she's got a lot of energy

 **Clarke** : Stop

 **Raven** : and could pull off some serious acrobatics

 **Clarke** : Please stop talking.

 **Raven** : All i'm saying is she looks like a difficult one to satisfy

 **Clarke** : What the hell Raven, knock it off and I do just fine thanks.

 **Raven** : and if you wanted some pointers I'd be happy to help out

 **Clarke:** No.

 **Raven** : cause your mom, man she has got the moves

 **Clarke** : Why are you always like this?

 **Raven** : I've learned so much

 **Clarke** : Why me Raven?

 **Raven** : and I just think it's only fair to impart my new found wisdom on those less fortunate

 **Clarke** : Shut up

 **Raven** : seriously Clarke being a doctor gave your mom some hella smooth fine motor skills, _particularly,_ a refined dexterity to her fingers

 **Clarke** : ...........I think I'm gonna puke

 **Raven** : and she does this trick with her tongue that-

 **Clarke** : OMG!! Stop, not one more word

 **Raven** : or what? You'll tell your mommy on me. Oh please do, I look forward to her punishment

 **Clarke** : Oh look I have a present for you and it's two little birdies *flips Raven off*

 **Raven** : her spankings are a particular favorite of mine

 **Clarke** : ENOUGH RAVEN.

 **Octavia** : Sup losers

 **Clarke** : Thank you Octavia. Tell me, what's going on with the grounder.

 **Octavia** : What? Nothing they're all training back at camp

 **Raven** : *bows* and that's my cue, it's been fun. Clarke you've been a wonderful audience. Octavia your timing was impeccable as always. Don't forget to tip your waitress on your way out cause my next performance will have the ladies screaming as they come in *walks away*

 **Octavia** : *laughing* She got you again huh Clarke?

 **Clarke** : I don't want to talk about it

 **Raven** : *via Clarke's walkie* I'm doing your mom Clarke


	7. I make her go BOOM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Work order request from tumblr: Abby telling Clarke she’s doing Raven (because Raven can’t talk)  
> From/for: @abbygriffinn and cartinelli

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Setup: After getting back from Mount Weather, Abby and Raven are taken to medical. Raven’s passed out and Clarke is checking on Abby, things are all somber:

**Clarke** : I’m so glad you’re ok, both of you

**Abby** : Me too honey, I know that’s not how you wanted things to play out but thank you

**Clarke** : I’m dealing with it

**Abby** : Any word from the grounders or Lexa?

**Clarke** : No. Honestly I don’t want to think about that right now

**Abby** : I’m so sorry Clarke

**Clarke** : Thanks mom, how’s Raven?

**Abby** : She’s in rough shape, we’ll know more when she wakes up

**Clarke** : Let me know if there’s anything I can do

**Abby** : I will. Listen sweetie there’s something I need to talk to you about

**Raven** : _*sleep talking*_ Hey….Cla….rke

**Abby** : Crap. Not yet. _*moves to put a hand gently over Raven’s mouth*_

**Clarke** : Mom..what’s going on?

**Abby** : It’s nothing really, I just…I um…damn this is hard.

**Clarke** : ………?

**Abby** : You see….we uh….that is Raven and I….we….

**Raven** : _*wakes up, licks abby’s hand that’s covering her mouth and winks*_

**Clarke** : Well? You and Raven what?

**Abby:** _*looks at Raven then stares Clarke dead in the eyes*_ Fine. Clarke, I’m screwing your best friend.

**Clarke:** _*laughs_ * Yeah right mom, funny. Nice to see the Mountain Men didn’t take your sense of humor in the harvest

**Abby** : I’m not joking, Raven and I have been sleeping together for a while now, it’s serious. I’m doing your best friend Clarke.

**Raven** : _*weak but smirking*_ That’s…my…girl

**Clarke:** Hahahahaha NO. Nope. No fucking way is this happening right now

**Raven:** _*slowly draws abby down for a quick kiss, then turns her head to look at Clarke*_ I….make….her….go….boom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess this update that I actually wrote over a month ago will have to be my dm angst day contribution. Sorry guys things haven't been going well but hopefully I can get back into the swing of these. Fell free to drop a pm with a prompt or visit me on tumblr @archaeomedic. Thanks for reading these, I hope they make you laugh cause that's all they're designed to do :)


End file.
